Over its millennia of history the Chinese language has accrued a vast array of chengyus and proverbs, written down by Confucian scholars, Buddhist monks, warrior generals and even emperors, pontificating on everything from sex, drugs and rock 'n roll, to the meaning of life itself. Some of these have withstood the test of time, '千里之行始于足下' (A thousand 'mile' journey begins with a single step), while others make use of analogy or metaphoric imagery that seems more obscure in the context of modern life, '守株待兔' (Waiting by the tree stump for a rabbit to come and hit it). Having recently celebrated five years in the Middle Kingdom – a feat logically granting an expat automatic sage-status in all China-related matters – I thought it only right and proper that I join this pantheon of respected Chinese figures and set down a new generation of wise sayings, relevant and helpful for an expat's life in modern China...     

1) Only the fool follows the green man blindly (Be careful at pedestrian crossings)
Pedestrian crossings in China are often the worst places to cross the road, lulling you into a false sense of security only for a car to jump a red light and miss your nose by inches. Beware of crossing a road in China as traffic laws are often flouted.

2) Beauty is on the outside, not the inside (Don't pick apart your leftover dumpling)
Jiaozi are a cheap delicious snack food beloved by foreign Chinese language students all across China. But don't be tempted to dissect any of these innocent looking pastries as the insides are likely to permanently ruin your appetite.

3) Beware the silent two wheeled monster (Be careful of electric bikes)
Silent but deadly, colliding with or being side-swiped by one of China's millions of electric bikes is no fun at all. Worse, two wheels in China often seems to equate to a licence to completely disregard all traffic laws, so pay attention to electric bikes cruising the wrong way up a road or jumping on to the pavement.    

4) The wise man runs on rubber (Treadmill, not parks)
As a gym hater it was a difficult choice, but after being repeatedly garrotted by trailing kite strings, countless collisions with octogenarian tai chi practitioners waving around mid pathway, and the general dodgems of young children, dogs, eager English students and street vendors, it was finally time to give up the parks and pay for the privilege of running hamster-style on a rotating piece of rubber indoors. If you enjoy exercise, get a gym membership early on in your stay.  

5) The silver screen leads to anger and frustration (It's a cinema, but not as you know it)
Standards of viewing etiquette are not the same in China so expect ringing mobile phones, lively conversations, comings and goings, seat kicking and munching. Lots of munching. Better options are to find a reliable dealer of good quality cheap DVDs or to watch movies off sites such as Youku or PPTV. 

6) Passport! Passport! Passport! (You'll need your passport)
The danger of petty theft on the streets of China is fairly high, which makes carrying a passport around seem like a very bad idea. But to book a train ticket, check in to a hotel, change money, send or receive money, open any form of account, sign any form of contract, and countless other mundane tasks, you will need it. What's more, PRC law states that you should carry your passport on your person at all times and cities such as Guangzhou enforce this with frequent police street-side inspections and fines for those who don't. To avoid frequent frustration, it is better to just carry your passport with you always, or at the very least keep a coloured photocopy of the passport photo page and your visa folded in your wallet.     

7) The key to a happy heart is through your ears (Buy a good set of headphones)
Of course cultural immersion is a good thing, but everyone needs the occasional break from it. One tried and tested tactic is to cancel out noise with other noise and to invest in a good set of headphones to play specially tailored 'occupational playlists'. I find Ride of the Valkyries is always good for bus journeys, enough to drown out the screeching brakes and the constant thundering of the announcement system while remaining the perfect dramatic complement to the view of city chaos out the window. Meanwhile, the soundtrack to La Traviata has let me once again enjoy my favourite local Cantonese noodle restaurant, sitting right amidst the slurpings, burpings and throat clearings while happily eating and doing the same.  

8) The spice of life leads to ruin (Go easy on the spice)
I never was a 'yi dian dian lajiao' man, but take it from me: unless you have conditioned your insides by growing up scoffing vast amounts of chilli from a young age, Chinese chilli and its variants will eventually land you with digestive problems.    

9) One 'zhege', One 'nage' (Beware the filled pause)
Any foreigner with better Mandarin skills than my own influent stuttering turns me green. Especially those who have 'only been learning a year' (Really? Really?).
But the indiscriminate use of the verbal filler 'zhege' or 'na ge' does not make a better Mandarin speaker. On all but the most fluent of foreign Mandarin speakers it sounds contrived and silly. GOT IT? 

10) Don't turn into a smug China know-it-all (Don't turn into a smug China know-it-all)
So you're a chicken foot-eating, fluent Mandarin-speaking old China hand – but you still don't know it all. China is an enormous, complicated, constantly evolving mass of a country and pretending you know everything there is to know is just setting yourself up to look like a fool.